Biblestudy: Childrearing (Part Four)
Object of Our Affection
#BS-CR04
John W. Ritenbaugh (1932-2023)
Given 12-Dec-87; 80 minutes
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transcript:
I am going to give you three verses (and it does not matter, to me anyway, which order they are presented in) along with a brief summary of them so that we can connect them to this child rearing series.
The first is:
I John 4:19 We love Him because He first loved us.
Brethren, we would not know anything of the divine love unless we were instructed and shown an example of it. We see it in the works of God and we also see it in the life of Jesus Christ, and then we in turn are able to give it back to Him and of course out to others as well. Now it is the same thing, that same principle is at work in the physical realm. We came into this world empty. That is, we knew nothing and especially we knew nothing of this major aspect of life. And we are completely dependent upon the surrounding environment, that is, our parents, to first show us the love so that then we can use it by giving it to others.
We might summarize this by saying that children do not initiate love, they reflect love. Whether it be the children of God, that love is initiated from the Father and flows through us, and it is the same way in the human family. It is the father and mother that initiate the love and then the children in turn reflect it back to them and out to others.
The second verse is in Romans 5.
Romans 5:5 Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
Now, we know that is what this verse says. We know we are loved by God. You see, the love of God is shed abroad in our heart and therefore we have hope, and hope is a positive expectation of good confidence, a sense of well being, a right kind of self-esteem. And thus, we are willing to do what it says prior to that verse, to persevere, to build character, to endure the difficulties and trials of life, to face up to life in a mature way, because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts. And we know that we are loved.
The problem today is not that parents do not love their children, but rather that parents do not show the love for their children and as a result, their children do not feel as though they are loved. Now, you ask a parent if he loves his child and the answer would undoubtedly be, yes. But does he really express that love to the child? I think that that is the question and I think it is a question that would have to be answered in the negative by and large. No, he does not express that love. And so the child does not know he is loved.
One of the most astounding illustrations of this appeared in the National Observer Magazine, at least that is where I got it, all the way back in 1977. And in that, they were quoting studies that had been done by some researcher that showed that fathers spent an average of 37.7, I think it was, seconds a day—seconds, not minutes—seconds a day with their children one year of age and under. Now, can you express very much love in that amount of time? No, you cannot.
And so a child has to know that he is loved. That is one of the things that makes it possible for us to live a life that is filled with hope, with perseverance, fighting through the trials that we have, is that we know that God loves us and it has been demonstrated to us.
And then in Romans 1, verse 28 we have here a listing of the havoc that has been wrought in human relations because of leaving God out. And it says there that,
Romans 1:28 Even as they did not like to retain God in their knowledge, God gave them over to a debased mind, to do those things which are not fitting.
It is contact with, fellowship with, being guided by, and directed by the Spirit of God that makes possible the development of the right environment and the charisma that is so necessary for having the right relationship with your child. So it is man cut off from God that has produced this world. It is this world that we have been born into. It is this world that is impressed upon us, its ways, its traditions (which we saw last week), are the very things that we have come under the blood of Jesus Christ for. Remember Galatians 1:4 and I Peter 1:17-19, that it is the blood of Christ that enables us to break free from the traditions, from the evil ways, from the power of this world.
Now, the only problem in all of that is that we have to make the effort to do it in yielding to the leadership of God. And that of course, begins to impact on these sermons because none of these things that we want to see come to pass in the lives of our children so that they do not repeat the same mistakes that we did, that we learned from our parents and our grandparents before us, if we do not want our children to repeat those same mistakes and make the same kind of life that we did, the same kind of lifestyle, we are going to have to yield to God. We cannot afford to leave God out of our knowledge. He has to be part of our way.
So then we had four major factors there in that last sermon. Number one, of course, was a relationship with God and then the other three flowed out from that one. The next most important was the marital relationship. The next most important one after that was the attitude of the parents toward children and child rearing. And then least important of all is the technique that the parents use. But if they are close to God, the chances are very great they are going to use the kind of technique that is given in God's Word.
We left off in Psalm 127:3-4 where it says very plainly and clearly that children are God's gift. They are His reward. They are His heritage, as another Bible puts it, and that there is an awesome responsibility vested in those who are receiving these gifts. Now, oftentimes we are aware of our inadequacies and sometimes we are overburdened with responding to it. But however, brethren, it is something that has to be done.
Let us go back to the book of Titus in the second chapter, verses 4 and 5. Very important set of scriptures here in regard to the center of our operations for our life. Here, Paul is in the midst of giving instructions to various parts of each congregation. In verse 3, he is talking to the older women; in verse 4, part of the responsibility of older women is,
Titus 2:4 that they admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be blasphemed.
Now, society in general, especially here in the Western world, have been persuaded by all kinds of arguments that the wife needs to find her fulfillment outside of the home somewhere. But the Creator cuts through all of the reasons that we may come up with, all of the justifications, by simply stating that the wife's major area of responsibility is in the home. It says there that she is to be a keeper. That is what the King James has. I would like to update that for you just a little bit. It means "one who stays."
This word very likely came from Medieval times when people, at least the great people, were living in castles and the most secure part of the castle was called the keep. And the person who stayed at the keep was the keeper. It was the keep in which the count or whoever lived in the castle stored his most precious valuables. It was also in the keep that they generally kept the person who was their prisoner. So it was a secure place that was kept by a keeper.
From there the word has expanded out into other usages, so we have bookkeepers, we have gamekeepers, see, but the idea is all the same. It is one who stays, one who watches, an attendant, a guard, a protector, a caretaker. The general idea in every one of these is one who is busy or occupied in a certain place. The keeper was busy or kept himself occupied in the keep or at the keep. And so a homemaker keeps herself occupied or is busy in the home.
Now, there are a couple of reasons why God would want us to follow this. Number one is the immediate benefit to the general stabilization of society. We covered that just a little bit last week. And number two, and as far as we are concerned of far greater importance, is that the woman and the child then have a much better opportunity for right training toward life and the Kingdom of God— life itself and the Kingdom of God. And we find at the end of those two scriptures that God is actually blasphemed, which means discredited in this case, when those things are not carried out. That is not something that we like to think of ourselves doing in relation to God.
I want you to notice here that the woman has to learn. See, she has to be taught to love her husband and to love her children. Now that does not exclude men, men have to learn as well. But the subject here is women, that a woman has to learn to love her husband and to love her children.
What he is talking about here is not something that comes naturally. What comes naturally is self-centeredness, but love is something that goes out, away from the individual.
Now, it says in my Bible that the older women are to admonish. The word in the King James, I believe, is teach. A better English word I feel is train, because that word in the Greek means "to direct the growth." The older women are to direct the growth of the younger women. It means "to form by instruction, discipline, and drill." The older women are to form by instruction, discipline, and drill. It means "to make prepared." The older women are to make the younger women prepared; "to make fit" or "to be qualified," "to cultivate."
Notice what they are to cultivate. There are seven specific characteristics. It says they are to love their husbands and their children. And again, perhaps a better English word, and in fact many modern translations change that word to, devoted; to be devoted to their husband, to be devoted to their children. Now, why would they use the word devoted? Because it is the flow of the verse, the flow or the thrust of the context, and that is that there is in any age, I do not care whether it is in the 20th century or back in the first century AD or at any age, there is a drive within people to be away from the things that God commands that we do. Mr. Armstrong said, "If God says one thing, mankind is going to do something else." And that urge, that thrust, is in men and it is in women. It is asexual. It is in every one of us.
And so you see, there is the drive, then, within a woman in this context, to make some place other than the home the center of her interest and to be devoted to that. And she has to learn to be devoted to her husband and to be devoted to her children.
Now that word love there is not the agape love. That word love there is the phileo love and some Bibles will translate it to learn to be "affectionate" to the husband, "affectionate" to the children. I feel in the overall sense that the word devoted is best, to be devoted to it. Devoted indicates the giving of oneself. We say, "Wow, that person is really devoted to the piano." You see, they have given their time, their energies over to the piano. Well, in this case, we are talking about a woman giving herself over to, devoting herself to her husband and to her children.
So in these times especially, where there is such easy transportation and communication from one place to another, it is very easy to give oneself over to some other thing outside of the home.
The next thing is to be discreet and chaste. Now it means here, some Bibles will translate it self-controlled and pure, but discreet and chaste is fine as long as you understand. Some Bibles will say sound-minded, careful, moral, all of them are correct. So it means to be sound-minded or discreet or self-controlled and to be moral, both sexually and in heart, meaning what is in the heart, of course, is going to come out.
And then it mentions being busy at home and kind. Incidentally, these are looped together apparently in the Greek, in pairs, and to be busy and kind are looped together. Now, what it is, is a condemnation of idleness or seeking fulfillment somewhere outside of the home. And kindness had to be linked to it because like anyone else, if you are devoting yourself to anything and you feel that somebody is disrespecting what you have done, or does not appreciate what you have done, or is in any way unkind or unnoticing of what you have done, then the response is likely to be harsh or irritable in the demands on other people in the home, meaning the children and also the husband, and other parts of the family.
Because if you devote yourself to something, because of human nature it is very likely that you are going to feel unappreciated if people do not express their appreciation. And so then it is very easy to become irritable with others when they do not appreciate your devotion to the home. And so he ties the two together; to be devoted, but do not make the same demands on others that you make of yourself in your devotion to your home and family.
Then finally, he says, and be obedient to their husbands. I might add something here before I explain this. This can be translated in two ways. This Bible of mine chose to translate it as though it is something that is accomplished, I guess, just simply to be obedient, a flat-out command. But other Bibles, other translations, will translate it "subjecting themselves." You see, as though it is a process. And at the same time, it indicates a voluntary acceptance of, which certainly I feel is right because it fits in with other portions of the Bible. Galatians 3:28 or 29; I Peter 3:7, which shows that the woman is the spiritual equal of the man in every way and that her submission to her husband is voluntary. It is, of course, commanded of God, but it is nonetheless a voluntary acceptance of his authority over her. So even though she loves him and devotes herself to him, it does not eliminate her duty to yield to his headship so that there can be peace and order within the family.
Then of course, it says that if she does not do these things, then Paul is concerned about the name of God being maligned and criticized. So you can see then that there is religious purpose behind all of these ethical demands that he is making on ladies.
Now let us go to I Timothy 5 where there is another verse that is similar to this and it is one that we do not use very often, mostly I guess because it involves or it is directed toward widows.
I Timothy 5:11-15 But refuse the younger widows; . . . having condemnation because they have cast off their first faith. And besides, they learn to be idle [notice that they learn to be idle], wandering about from house to house, and not only idle but also gossips and busybodies, saying things which they ought not. Therefore I desire that the younger widows marry, bear children, manage the house, give no opportunity to the adversary to speak reproachfully. For some have already turned aside after Satan.
This is the same basic idea in Titus 2:4-5, except that it is directed at widows. And I do want you to see here that it says that they get into the habit where they learn to be idle. We can learn to go in any direction. So instead of working, they go from house to house and pay attention to things that do not concern them. So they are to marry and to manage their homes. Otherwise, Paul is concerned that these young ladies are going to bring abuse on the church by their behavior.
I wanted you to see these two verses especially, because of one thing primarily. And that is that it is clear that behavior is learned, behavior is largely learned. Now, there are undoubtedly inherited characteristics in each and every one of us. But by and large, we are what we have been made to be and that of course, was largely by our parents.
What I am giving these sermons for is in an effort to get us turned around so that our children have an opportunity to be made into something far different from what we were when we were children and what we became when we are adults. Again, reminding you what Mr. Herbert Armstrong said, that human nature is nothing more than acquired habit. It is acquired from the parents and then to a lesser degree by society around. And then as he also admonished us at another time, he said, "If we don't do something actively to rear our children, someone else will." Of course, that someone that he was referring to was Satan. And that, incidentally, is what Paul was thinking about there in I Timothy 5:15.
Let us go back to Deuteronomy the sixth chapter.
Deuteronomy 6:4-9 "Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one! You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your might. And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them upon the doorposts of your house and on your gates."
Perhaps brethren, these are the foundational Bible verses regarding child rearing. And here in broad generalities is how to rear godly seed. It covers, in basic principle, all the activities of life that one might expect to encounter throughout any given day.
Now, I think that it is no accident in the way that these verses are arranged, how they begin. They begin with the verse that many Jews consider to be perhaps the most important verse in the entirety of the Bible: verse 4: "Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one!" I want to explain that to you before we go on to the things in regard to child rearing.
I cannot give you exactly what it says in Hebrew. But basically it says this, "Yahweh, our Elohim, is one Yahweh." Now, this does not mean, as you might be quick to conclude, that Elohim is the only God. Did not the apostle Paul say back in I Corinthians that there be lords many and god's many? So this does not mean Elohim is the only God. But what it does mean is that Yahweh, our Elohim, is the only Yahweh. There is quite a difference there.
Let us make that a little bit more practical. What he is saying is that Israel's God is the only Yahweh. Yahweh is the name that God generally uses when He wants to indicate a covenant relationship, when He wants to indicate that He is the God with whom a covenant has been made by people, His people, the people of Israel. Elohim, this is a generality, tends to indicate the Creator God. So Yahweh, our Elohim, is the only Yahweh.
Now let us feed that into this context. In this context, what he means is that Elohim, our Yahweh, has not adopted many means of revelation, one here and another there. You know, one in Israel, another in Babylon, and another in China. See, our Yahweh has adopted only one means of revealing Himself and that is the revelation Israel received. Now translated up into the New Testament, it means there is only one church and the God of that church is Yahweh. Even though there will be many gods, many elohims, there is only one Yahweh and He has revealed Himself only to one nation or one church. And so the revelation of that one Yahweh has only gone in one direction.
From a man's point of view, it means, then, that the object of Israel's (in this context) or ours (in the context of the church) that is, the object of our exclusive attention and affection and worship is not diffuse. There is not a pantheon of gods out there, but one.
Let us make this again plainer in terms of child rearing. We have a choice. Did God reveal Himself to the world or has God revealed Himself to the church? Now, it says back in I John 2:15-16, that all that is in the world—the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life—is not of the Father but is of the world, even though there be many gods out there. And of course, each one of those gods has taught some way of living, some way regarding marriage, some way regarding child rearing, regarding education, regarding government, regarding economics, regarding holidays we ought to keep, and on and on it goes. There are many of them out there. But God has revealed Himself only to one. And so Yahweh, our Elohim, is Yahweh. He is the only one.
Now, this is given right in the context of instructions to parents to teach their children. Only the revelation of God can lead to godly offspring. That is what He is getting at. Any other way is not going to produce the right thing. And so the next thing He says is, "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your might." Now, why do you think that He would say that? Because it is the relationship with God that produces the means through which we as parents can make the right example and have the right charisma so that our children will fall in line, as it were.
You see, child rearing begins with the relationship with God. And then as the love of God is shed abroad on our hearts, and we begin to reflect that love back to the Father and out to others, namely reflecting it out to our children, then we can begin to give that kind of love to our children and then they can begin to reflect it back to you and me. It all depends on the source, and there is only one true Source and that is through Israel's Yahweh.
So if we love Him, then, with all of our heart—in this case, heart means the seat of the affections, the emotions. With all of our soul—in this case, what soul means is the entire consciousness that God is a part of our life, not just the emotions, it is the mind, the intellect as well. And then finally, the might, indicating activity, or work, or conduct. Now, if this is present in you, we have an awfully good chance of rearing godly children.
Then he says, verse 7,
Deuteronomy 6:7 "You shall teach them diligently, . . .
Diligently means over and over and over again. The word is drawn from the process of sharpening a knife. A person sharpens the knife once and he uses it maybe several times and then he sharpens it again and again and again. Diligently is implying to you and me that teaching is not done the first time that we do it. It is a repetitious process that goes on throughout the entirety of the relationship of parents and children, constantly sharpening them over and over again.
Deuteronomy 6:7 "You shall teach them diligently to your children and shall talk. . .
Now, I do not think that God wants you and me to take these words just literally. They are figurative as well. And what we are to do, then, understanding it figuratively, is to expand it, you see, in its full consequences, which means in every area of life. You have to start thinking here now. How do you talk when nobody is around except your children? Remember what I said in last week's sermon? Listen to your voice. What does it sound like? Is it sharp? Irritable? Whiny? Griping? Murmuring all the time? Does that reflect the mind of God? Is that Yahweh's revelation? Is it sharp? Always commanding? Bitter? Sarcastic? Cynical?
What kind of attitude, you see, when you talk all the time, day and night, morning, afternoon, evening, in the presence of your children, in the presence of your husband, in the presence of your wife, in the presence of your employer. What does the voice sound like? Is it not likely that you are going to speak differently to an employer than you are to your children? Why? I am not saying that you should not. I am saying, why?
Are you a respecter of persons? Is God a respecter of persons? Is it our inherent right? Is it right before God that we should treat our children any differently from what we do other people, who might punch us in the nose if we talk to them the same way? Think about it.
Is the way that you are talking to your children really reflecting the mind of God?
Deuteronomy 6:7-8 ". . . when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, . . .
The hand is a symbol of work. When your children see you work, is it working like God would work? Intelligently, industriously, honestly, diligently, carefully. I am not talking about fanatically. Are you striving for perfection when you work? Does it illustrate the revelation of the one Yahweh or does the way you work illustrate the way the gods of this world have taught you, see, by tradition? And we have picked that up from our fathers and mothers and in our environment.
Deuteronomy 6:8 ". . . and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes."
That has to do with the thinking processes. How do you think? Do your children see in you a reflection of the love of God in the way that your thinking processes go? Do we think like God thinks? This is serious business! And as I said, these are the foundational verses in the whole Bible in regard to child rearing, everything else builds from this.
Does your thinking reflect the thinking, the love, the mind of God?
Deuteronomy 6:9 "You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates."
The reason for that is when you go into your house, do you act like God? And when you come out of your house and go out into society, do you act like God? Are there two different people, one for the outside world and one for the inside world? So everywhere you go, we are teaching; and little eyes, when they are in our presence, are watching and those things are impressed upon their minds.
Perhaps you have heard this poem, "Children Learn What They Live," by Dorothy Law Nolte. I am going to read it to you because I think that it illustrates what we have been talking about in these last two sermons.
If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn. If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight. If a child lives with fear, he learns to be apprehensive. If a child lives with pity, he learns to feel sorry for himself. If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy. And if a child lives with jealousy, he learns what envy is. If a child lives with shame, he learns to feel guilty.
If a child lives with encouragement, he learns to be confident. If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient. If a child lives with praise, he learns to be appreciative. If a child lives with acceptance, he learns to love. If a child lives with approval, he learns to like himself. If a child lives with recognition, he learns that it is good to have a goal.
If a child lives with sharing, he learns about generosity. If a child lives with honesty and fairness, he learns what truth and justice are. If a child lives with security, he learns to have faith in himself and in those about him. If a child lives with friendliness, he learns that the world is a nice place in which to live. And if you live with serenity, your child will live with peace of mind.
Now, let us go to another verse here, back to Hebrews chapter 12, verse 10. This is Paul's comment regarding the child rearing practices of God.
Hebrews 12:10 For they [meaning our natural parents] indeed for a few days chastened us as seemed best to them, but He [God] for our profit, that we may be partakers of His holiness.
The two biggest problems in child rearing for people in the church, this is assuming that we have knowledge of God, it still continues to be ignorance. And number two is selfishness. Now, our ignorance is slowly disappearing, dissipating, and so as long as we are close to God, it is going to continue in that direction. What we need to be careful for is our selfishness, that it does not manifest itself in a lackadaisical and diffident attitude and example.
Notice verse 10 again, "God chastens for our profit." Now, all too often we lose sight that we are to rear children for their profit. All too often we feel the children exist to glorify us. I think if we had the other attitude, that it be for their profit, then the glorification of the parents would come, it would flow.
Let us go back to Proverbs (I am going to be referring back to Hebrews again.)
Proverbs 29:15 The rod and rebuke give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.
If we do not have the child's best interest at heart, if we are not rearing them for their profit, as it says in Hebrews 12:10, then many of us, I feel, are not really going to be rearing children, they are just going to be growing up. And that is what this verse here is concerned with, a child left to himself. All too often, the child is left to himself because the parents are doing their own thing. See, they have their own interests; and especially here in the United States where it seems as though we have been taught that denial of the child in any areas will stifle creativity and will blunt the child's personality.
Would you say that God denies you things? He most certainly does deny us things until we are ready for them. And sometimes He gives us a good spanking as well. I do not think it blunts our creativity. Humanly brethren, we tend to be short-sighted and all too often we are moved by the way we feel at the moment and so child rearing becomes a hit or miss proposition. And if we are irritated, then we strike out, and we might be irritated another time and be doing something else and we do not strike out. And so there is a great deal of inconsistency.
There are times maybe that we do spend time to positively teach our children something. But all too often, we find that something else is taking up our time, something that we feel is more important at the moment.
Well, brethren, we have got to become more like God, becoming more objective in this responsibility, have a great deal more purpose in the rearing of our children.
Now look at verse 18.
Proverbs 29:18 Where there is no revelation, the people cast off restraint; but happy is he who keeps the law.
I do not believe that it is an accident that those four verses are right next to one another. Beginning with verse 15,
Proverbs 29:15-18 The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother. When the wicked are multiplied, transgression increases [as in a family]; but the righteous will see their fall. Correct your son, and he will give you rest [that is directly related to verse 15, there is no doubt about that]; yes, he will give you delight to your soul. Where there is no revelation. . .
Solomon is obviously saying that in order to correct your son and not just allow them to grow up, you have got to have purpose behind it. There has got to be objectivity in your child rearing. You have got to be heading someplace! God has given us the overall direction in Deuteronomy 6. It is toward the Kingdom of God; given us the way, and that is to make sure that we make God a part of our life so that we can at least pass on a very fine example.
Now, you have had the revelation, the revelation of the Kingdom of God, the revelation of [words missing]. . . this world is not the way to do it. Now, the Bible shows very clearly that God has an end in mind for us so distinct as to say there in John 14, "I go and prepare a place for you." That nothing is being left to chance in our training, as I will show you by a verse a little bit later. Nothing is left to chance. God is the perfect child rearer, but all too often I am sure that we do not seem to be aware of the long-range effect of childish actions and attitudes.
In I John chapter 4, verse 18. We read verse 19. I wonder if you know what psychologists say that your child's number one anxiety is.
I John 4:18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, . . .
We are talking here about anxiety, that kind of fear. We are not talking about the fear of God. We are talking about anxiety, as the next phrase says,
I John 4:18 . . . because fear involves torment.
The fear of God does not involve torment. We are talking about anxiety here. There is no fear in love. I have already told you what the answer is. And the psychologists of this world agreed with the Bible that a child's number one fear is that he is not loved. Now, I am talking about small children. They do not consciously verbalize that. But older children do. Mr. Catherwood told you about that in that taped message we had about the young people that he deals with at Ambassador College. "Well, I love my mother, but my dad, I don't think he loves me." See, and on and on it goes.
I John 4:18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love.
Now, what this verse is saying to you and me is that if we truly abide—live in—the love of God, then we are going to live life without fear because love and fear are incompatible. Now, thankfully, this is undoubtedly a progressive thing. It is something that we grow into. We have come out of a world full of fear and we are growing in the love of God into the grace and knowledge of Jesus Christ. And so coming out of this kind of fear is a progressive thing as we come to know God.
Again, that can be reflected back into the human family, that a child's greatest fear is that his parents do not love him. Now, if parents are truly showing their children that they do love them, then most, if not all, of that fear is going to dissipate away. We get back to Romans 5:5 again, because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts we have hope. That is a consistent, positive hope, expectation of good. We are not turned in on our ourselves.
Love is love only when it is demonstrated. Now, if you love them only when they please you, they are not going to feel confident about you. They are not going to feel confident that you really love them. If you love them only when they bring honor and praise to your name and you say "That's my boy!" or "That's my daughter!" and then they get some praise. But what about other times? Is it consistent? Well, if it is not, then they are going to be insecure and anxious, incompetent, and they are going to have very low self-esteem, not going to feel very good about themselves.
You know what will happen? Brethren, they will never be able to do enough to get your attention. I mean, if it is carried to extremes, they will do anything to get your attention. Rob, steal, commit fornication, you name it. By the time they get to be teenagers and are able to express themselves, if they do not feel they are loved at home for what they are themselves, if they do not feel that they are unconditionally accepted in that home, they are going to go off into all kinds of terrible things—drugs, run away, you name it. Why should they stay at home if nobody loves them there? What if it has never been expressed to them, or rarely expressed? You see, where there is no love, there torment. You can just divide that into degrees.
Now, let us go to I Corinthians 13, which is the love chapter. We are just going to read through this. We are not going to spend a great deal of time expounding on it because I want to get to some more practical things right at the moment anyway. I am reading through it just to give you some insight into the way the love of God will act.
I Corinthians 13:4 Love suffers long and is kind; . . .
Love is patient and kind, not patient and irritable, not patient and angry, not gritting its teeth, *mumble, mumble, mumble* about those bad kids. But it is patient and kind as well.
I Corinthians 13:4-5 . . . does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; it does not behave rudely [even toward children], . . .
We tend not to have much respect for children because they are weaker than we are. They do not have the experience that we have and they do not understand all the pressures that are on us. So we are rude and irritable to them.
I Corinthians 13:5-7 . . . does not seek its own, is not provoked [Wow, children, they do not provoke parents? Love is not provoked.], thinks no evil [boy, we can think evil things about our kids]; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
I Corinthians 13 provides a brief practical expounding of how God's love is demonstrated. See, right in the framework of a letter. Now, if done, it will provide the proper charisma and our children will develop the right kind of fear so that they can be properly trained. But you have got to communicate to your children how precious, how beautiful, and how unique each one of them is. It has got to be communicated to them so that they will not have the anxiety. I am going to give you three suggestions here on how you can do it.
Now, you might find these things simplistic. But brethren, we do not do these things right that I am going to tell you. Now, they came out of a book called, How To Really Love Your Child, by Ross Campbell. And they are biblical, as I am going to show you. We are talking here about how to convey your love. How to let your children know that they are loved. I know that mentally, intellectually, you love them, but is it being demonstrated to them?
1. Have eye contact with them.
Have you ever held a conversation with someone who really will not look at you? You know, they keep kind of looking away or they might focus in on your eyes for just a second or two and then quickly they dash off with their eyes or maybe all the while that they are holding a conversation with you, they are really looking at somebody else in the background or in the distance.
What does that do to you? See, if you are aware of it, is that not disconcerting? Is it not difficult to really get involved in a conversation with someone like that, whose eyes will not really focus in on yours? Do they not always seem as though they are rather distant and kind of off somewhere and you wonder, am I penetrating at all into this person's brain? You know, do they really listen? Every once in a while they say, uh huh. That is about as far as it goes. How did that affect you?
Well, the Bible has a great deal to say about eyes and the messages that they communicate. We are going to look at some of them quickly, we will not be expounding a great deal. But look in Proverbs chapter 6, verse 12.
Proverbs 6:12-15 A worthless person, a wicked man [Notice the context that this appears in. This is a person who is not very good. He] walks with a perverse mouth; he winks with his eyes, he shuffles his feet, he points with his fingers; perversity is in his heart, he devises evil continually, he sows discord. Therefore his calamity shall come suddenly.
I wanted you to see the eye part right in the midst of that kind of a context. The eyes here are conveying deception, that something is being hidden. Brethren, Jesus Christ said that the "eye is the light of the body." In a more literal translation, it means that the eye is the window of the body. And in the daytime, light goes in a window; at night, light comes out the window. Now if you look at that in its figurative sense, is the heart of a man sending out light into the darkness of this world? What kind of light? Because Christ said out of the abundance of the heart.
Now we see here illustrated that deception comes out of the eyes of this deceitful person, this perverse person, and the eyes are being used to show it.
Proverbs 30:13 There is a generation—oh, how lofty are their eyes!
Here, the message is pride. It is showing in the eyes. It is coming from the heart, but it is showing in the eyes.
Psalm 35:19 Let them not rejoice over me [David writes] who are wrongfully my enemies; nor let them wink with the eye who hate me without a cause.
If you would see that in its larger context, what he is talking about there is scorn, mockery, gloating. It is in the eye; it is coming out of the heart, but it is in the eye.
One more quick one here in Genesis 29.
Genesis 29:17 Leah's eyes were delicate, but Rachel was beautiful of form and appearance.
Nobody knows quite how to translate that word. Some people say tender-eyed, others say that she was weak-eyed, but there was something about Leah's eyes that indicated something that was apparently in her heart for it to be mentioned. Rachel's form was mentioned, but Leah's eyes were mentioned. And it is interesting that Leah became the mother of six of the children of Israel, whereas Rachel only became the mother of two. And I think that it is very clearly indicated that Rachel was not the wife that God chose for Jacob. Leah was the one that was buried in the tomb. There was something in her eyes; it is conveying there an attitude.
Now back to child rearing. It is very easy for parents to develop the terrible habit of using their eyes only to make a strong point. You see, fire blazes out of our eyes, and we squint them, and we point the finger, "I told you so!" and there is anger written across those eyes. And at other times, the eyes are not used in the way that they could be to convey to the child a feeling of emotional love, of desire, and of concern for that child.
Whenever you find a child most attentive, you are going to find that he is looking directly into your eyes. And if you are looking directly into his, then the chances are very great you are going to be making real good contact with that child. Otherwise you are going to find that you are going to drive that child into resentment and bitterness in much the same way as you are upset when you are not able to make contact with the eyes of some other adult that you are talking with. A child is just a little person, that is all, and they are going to be affected in much the same way that you would be irritated by somebody who will not look you in the eye.
There is another way. Sometimes, if a parent gets very angry at a child, they will avoid eye contact altogether. You know, the child comes into the room and you turn aside. That is probably worse emotionally than a spanking by far. It is akin to being disfellowshipped, as though you are a non-entity, that you do not exist anymore, that I cannot see you. Very painful. It is a terrible way to show disapproval to a little child who does not understand, terrible way to show disapproval at any time.
The advice here would be, remember that your eyes are sending messages. Be aware of it and when you are conversing with your child, unless what you are doing is downright dangerous so that taking your eyes off what you are doing would endanger him and you together, or at least one of you, look him right in the eyes and talk to him. And let your eyes communicate the right kind of feelings to him.
2. Touching, physical contact.
There are three basic forms of communication. There is verbal, which includes the written word. There is non-verbal, which is expressions like with the eyes or gestures as with the hands or other parts of the body. And there is tactile, which is touching. And touching is the most expressive form of communication that we have.
The skin is extremely sensitive to feeling. Boy, the feelings that flow when two people who are in love touch their lips together. There is communication beyond, far beyond, any sound. Or what emphasis there is to communication if the verbal communication is accompanied by a pinch, a slap, a spanking, or a punch in the nose. There is powerful communication there.
Now, unfortunately, studies have shown that parents tend to touch their children only when they have to. That is, when they are putting them to bed, when they are changing their diaper, when they are helping them into a car, when they are taking them across the street, something of that nature, and they are absolutely forced to do it. It is almost as if the child is nothing more than a mechanical doll and the idea is to get this over just as quickly as possible.
It is interesting that back in Matthew 17:17, Jesus purposely went and touched people. The particular verse that I chose there was one where the transfiguration had taken place and those men were frightened because they had been in the presence of God and they recognized it. They did not know whether they were going to live or die. So Christ touched them. And you know that the people that He healed, He touched, even though He did not have to. He demonstrated that; people were healed many, many miles away from where He was, even a little girl apparently resurrected from the dead. He was not anywhere near around. So He did not have to touch people, but He did touch people.
Why did He touch people? Why do we lay hands on people after they are baptized? Why do we lay hands on people when they are being anointed? Why do we lay hands on people at the wedding ceremony and on and on? Why is there that ceremony of the laying on of hands? Because God wants to go beyond the mere words and give to you and me an indication that He is involved, that He is there, that He is touching us, that He is part and parcel of our lives. And He conveys to us, if we understand it, feelings of tenderness, feelings of awe, feelings of concern for our own personal worth to Him so that we can understand that there is a direct connection between the person having hands laid on and Him, the Almighty God.
Now with girls, we do not seem to have any problems. Little girls seem to be soft and cuddly and we pick them up and hug them and they get a lot of kisses; and men as well as women touch them. Little boys are another thing altogether. Little boys even begin to become perceived as they grow up to be nothing more than sharp arms, legs, knees, elbows. They are hard to the touch. They are kind of squirmy. They get into all kinds of dirty things and somehow or another it is developed in our culture that if you touch a boy, if you hug a boy, if you kiss a boy, that somehow or another, he is going to turn out to be effeminate. Poppycock!
Do you know that the United States army conducted a survey of its own personnel and they found that there were more homosexuals produced by drill sergeants than any other group in the army? Rough, tough he-men who intimidated their sons into effeminacy.
Brethren, again, studies have shown that boys need to be touched just as much as girls. And in fact, the psychologists say that the critical years for a boy are between the ages of three and five. They never lose the need to be touched, hugged, kissed even, though the immediate need may diminish as they grow older. Ages 3 to 5 are critical for a boy because he is then beginning to get his sexual identity.
For a girl, the critical years are those years just before puberty, age 11 seems to be the most critical year. And they tell us that it is absolutely essential that the father be the one who does the hugging. And they find the girls who have a father who hugs them and kisses them—especially in those critical years just before puberty when a man is most likely to begin to turn away from his daughter because he is kind of concerned about the development of her body and that she might get the wrong idea or whatever from what he is doing—these are the girls who do not have problems with fornication because they have a dad who loves them.
Now, this does not have to be a formal thing. Say, "Ok, it's 8:15, it's time for a hug." But you have to do it and it has to be done often: hugs, kisses, pats, high fives, you name it. There has to be a lot of contact between the parents and the children. Wrestling, bear hugs. But the parents are the ones that have to express it. Remember, Christ touched them.
3. Focused attention.
This is the most important of all. Eye contact and physical contact rarely require much of a sacrifice from parents, but focused attention requires time, and sometimes a lot of it. It is focused attention that makes a child feel that he is valuable enough in his own right to warrant his parent's undistracted attention, appreciation, and regard. He has to know, without a doubt, he is important. And if he has to make trouble in the family to get that attention, he will do it because when attention is being paid to him, he feels important.
The child may not, again, consciously go about thinking about this. But those are the issues that are involved. It is focused attention that makes the child feel confident and have self-esteem, and begin to have the ability to relate to others and to love others because he is getting it, and then he can reflect it. A child is a reflector. Brethren, the most demanding need that a child has is your time and your attention. You cannot substitute gifts and favors for the things that I am talking about here.
Now, why do we avoid this? Well, it is not that we really avoid it, we just do not have time for it. Because, in this fast moving world where men are running to and fro, we have become victims of a sense of urgency that we have to get done and do what we want to do, and it has to be done right now. You know, you could be having the most serious discussion with your child and the telephone rings. What are you going to do? You are going to answer the phone. Why are you going to answer the phone? Because the telephone is demanding it. It is that sense of urgency that we have. We are victims of it. We become slaves to rapid transportation and communication. That is just one illustration.
This is a true story. The father was sitting in his living room and he was somewhat irritated about something that was going on in his life. And his 11 year old boy came into the living room and he jumped up on the couch where his father was and began kissing his father on his cheek. The father said, "What are you doing!?" And the boy was taken a little bit aback, but he said to his dad, "It's your 50th birthday and I was going to give you 50 kisses." And the father said to the son, "Well, don't do it right now. I'm too busy." The boy was kind of crushed and he went out the front door and he got on his bicycle and within two minutes he was dead, hit by a car. He was a victim of the urgency of the father to get done what he had to get done, while the boy was trying to give him love.
How do you prioritize your time? What gets your time? Is it your hobbies, inanimate objects, or is it God's heritage, your wife and your children? Brethren, we have got to take advantage, every opportunity we can, put it on the schedule, make sure that there is time—certainly more than 37.5 seconds a day for a little child to be held by his father.
Now you can write down these scriptures:
Deuteronomy 32:9-14. I want you to notice the focused attention. God says that we are "the apple of His eye." Apple means pupil. We are the focus of His attention. His eyes are on us constantly.
Psalm 121:3-5, where again He says that "My eyes are always on you."
Zechariah 2:7-8, where He says that His eyes are always on Zion, the church.
II Chronicles 16:9, where He said that "His eyes are roving over the earth, going to and fro, hoping to show Himself strong in the behalf of those whose hearts are right toward Him."
We are going to conclude this in Psalm 139. And again, notice the focused attention that we have from God our Father. He is omniscient. He is omnipresent in our lives. He is always there. We do not have the powers that He has. Nonetheless brethren, we can do something about improving our relationship with our children this way.
Psalm 139:1-7 O Lord, you have searched me and known me. You know my sitting down and my rising up; You understand my thought afar off. You comprehend my path and my lying down, You are acquainted with all my ways. For there is not a word on my tongue, but behold, O Lord, You know it all together. You have hedged me behind and before, and laid Your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me [notice, You have laid Your hand on me]; it is high, I cannot attain it. Where can I go from Your Spirit?
I want you to understand that this is not the agonizing of somebody who felt oppressed because God was so close to him. This person was rejoicing that his heavenly Father was so close, that he had such focused attention.
Psalm 139:7-12 Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence? If I ascend into heaven, You are there; if I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there. If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there Your hand shall lead me, and Your right hand shall hold me. If I say, "Surely the darkness shall fall on me," even the night shall be light about me; indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You, but the night shines as the day; the darkness and the light are both alike to You.
And it goes on and on.
Brethren, child rearing takes time and we have got to set our priorities and schedule them in if you want to develop the right kind of fear, the charisma in you, and the respect for you in them—a deep and abiding respect so that your child is confident in your love for him.
For one, the relationship with God, and from that should flow the right kind of eye contact, physical contact, and focused attention.
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